


Catra's guide to keep living

by orphan_account



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Caretaker Adora, Catra Goes to Therapy (She-Ra), Catra x therapy otp babey, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mom spinetossa au, Panic Attacks, SHE'S STILL ALIVE OK, anwyawy thats all, basically a whole series of Catra having panic attacks/flashbacks, idk i just like torturing my baby and then giving them comfort h, just... wait pls im slow, mom angella because yes, mostly college au but there's also some canon world too, sick catra
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26023351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Healing isn't easy. It's unpredictable, and scary... but maybe, just maybe, it's a bit more bearable with her friends on her side.ORA one-shots series of hurt/comfort Catra, basically. Like seriously. A whole series. I like doing this.Disclaimer: NONE OF THESE ARE RELATED AT ALL!! Every chapter are different stories with different backgrounds and stuff. This whole thing doesn't have a plot. It's just hurt/comfort. Some chapters are modern AU, some aren't. Sorry if they confuse y'all aha <3Tw: graphic mentions of panic attacks/violence/suicidal thoughts
Relationships: Adora & Bow & Catra & Glimmer (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Angella & Catra (She-Ra), Bow/Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra & Glimmer (She-Ra), Catra & Perfuma (She-Ra), Catra/Glimmer (She-Ra), Netossa/Spinnerella (She-Ra), Perfuma/Scorpia (She-Ra)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 176





	1. Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> Heyy it's me back at it again with the hurt and comfort :)))
> 
> I just have. So many stories about Catra having panic attacks???? I have no idea why??? And they're mostly wips but i'll probably finish them and post them here later because hhh i know y'all love the hurt and comfort too ;)
> 
> Enjoy y'all :-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is placed on a modern AU !! Just a side note <3

Catra stumbled into the apartment, cold sweat all over her body.    
  
_Fuck, fuck, fuck._   
  
She was slipping away. What did Perfuma call it again? Panic attack. Yeah, that’s it. She’s having a panic attack. This wasn’t the first time she had it – but this was the first time that she was alone.    
  
And she’s _terrified._   
  
Catra could no longer feel her body, as if someone was pulling her soul away from it. She couldn’t see properly, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t even feel her own hands – and all she could hear was her own wheezing breaths and her heartbeat thumping loudly until she could practically feel it in her ears. She couldn’t breathe, she was dizzy, and she felt like she was going to collapse.   
  
_Fuck, fuck, fuck, come on Catra. Come on. Not yet, come on. You have to keep walking._   
  
When she finally got inside the apartment, her legs gave out.    
  
She was crying so loudly; it doesn’t make sense. It’s like she’s listening from outside her body. She couldn’t stop it, she couldn’t stop any of it. She doesn’t know how.    
  
_Yes_ _you do, Catra. You’ve been here before. You know how to handle this._   
  
“I don’t remember,” Catra says, out loud, because she was losing her mind. “I don’t know how, I don’t remember—”   
  
But Adora does.    
  
Adora. Adora. And Glimmer, and Bow—her friends. Adora. They know how.    
  
Catra struggled to reach for her phone. She doesn’t remember where it was, either—but Adora reminded her to always have it in her pocket, in case something happens. Maybe it’s in there. Maybe it’s in there. Is it in there?   
  
It was hard to control her hand—it's hard to move her trembling hands to where she wants it to move. Everything was so hard to do—she couldn’t even move her hands properly. She’s losing herself. She’s losing herself. Is she going to die?   
  
_No, Catra. Come on. Grab for your phone. You’re okay. You can get through this shit._   
  
_“_ Adora,” Catra calls, even though she knew Adora wouldn’t hear her. She could focus better when she’s calling her name. “Adora, Adora, Adora, Adora—”   
  
_“Calling Adora.”_ Her phone chimes loudly, making her jump in surprise. _Fuck, fuck, fuck. Stay calm, Catra. Stay calm. Adora’s almost there._   
  
It didn’t take that long for Adora to pick up—she never misses any of her calls. That’s one thing Catra should be thankful for, she guesses.    
  
“Catra?” Her voice calls brightly. “Hey, what’s up? I’m still in class, so if you and Glimmer are pranking me again, I swear to g—”   
  
“—Adora?” Catra rasps, trying to even out her breaths. “Adora, Adora _help me_ —”   
  
“Whoa. Hold on, wait—Catra? What’s going on?” Adora’s tone changes to worry almost immediately. “Catra? Are you there?”    
  
“I—can you come home? Please?” She begs, tears spilling from the corner of her eyes. “I need—I need help, I fell, I can’t feel my hands—”   
  
“Oh. Oh, fuck. Fuck, okay. Alright, I’ve got you.” Adora stutters as she fully starts to realize what was going on. “Okay. Catra, I’m getting my bag right now, okay? Stay on the line with me.” She says. Catra heard some rustling from over the line, and the sound of the door being opened. “Alright, I’ve got my bag, baby. I’m coming, okay? I’m going as fast as I can. Hold on for me. Can you do that?”    
  
Catra swallows thickly before managing an answer for her. “Yeah.”    
  
“Okay, that’s great. Do you know what happened? Do you know what caused this, Catra?”    
  
“I—” Catra shook her head. It was too confusing, to remember things. To think. She couldn’t even _breathe. “_ I don’t know. I don’t know, Adora—”   
  
“Okay. Okay, that’s okay,” Adora tells her. “It doesn’t matter right now. You’re doing so good, Catra. I’m coming.”   
  
“I don’t feel good, Adora,” Her chest starts heaving again. “Adora, I hate this.”    
  
“I know, I know,” Adora shushes from over the phone, “I know. I’m sorry this is happening, baby. I’m sorry. I’m almost there. Hold on for me, okay?”    
  
“ _I don’t want to_. _Adora, I don’t—_ ” What is she saying? Catra doesn’t know anymore. She couldn’t control herself, she’s losing herself, she’s going to die. She’d rather die.    
  
“No, no, come on sweetie. Come on, don’t say that.” She could hear Adora’s voice breaking from over the phone. _Great, Catra. You broke her heart again._ “Catra, I’m coming. I love you, okay? I’m coming, I’m coming.”    
  
“Adora, I don’t know what to do.” She’s choking on her tears. “Adora, help me.”   
  
“Catra, breathe. Breathe for me. Can you do that? Breathe.”   
  
She’s trying, but she couldn’t. She was sobbing too hard.    
  
“Five counts,” Adora says softly. “Five counts, baby. Remember? Five counts. Breathe with me.”   
  
“ _I can’t_ —” Catra wheezes. “Adora, _I can’t breathe, please hurry up—_ ”   
  
“I am, I am, I’m coming, baby I’m almost there, okay?” Adora tells her. “Just a few more seconds. That’s all I need. Please hold on for me, you’re doing so great already, I promise I’m almost there—”   
  
Catra couldn’t make herself talk anymore. She’s struggling for every breath, wheezing and trying to stop the sobs, but it hurts even more when she tries to hold it in. She couldn’t make herself stop. She keeps calling for Adora, in her head, trying to hold on to her body, trying not to lose her mind. Adora kept talking to her over the phone, rambling about how she loves her, telling her to hold on, and how she’s almost there, she’s almost there—   
  
“Catra!” There’s cursing behind the door, and someone struggling with the keys. And then the door unlocking, revealing a surge of bright, blinding light coming from the hallway. “Catra, Catra I’m here, fuck—”    
  
Someone tripped and feel just right beside her, and Catra yells.    
  
“Hey, hey it’s okay, it’s okay it’s just me, Catra!” A pair of arms wrapped around her, squeezing her tight, startling her back into reality. “Catra, I'm here, I’m here—breathe with me, okay?” 

Adora. Adora, is that her? “ _Adora?_ ”    
  
“Yeah, yeah it’s me, it’s me, baby—come on, you have to breathe, okay?” Adora holds her tighter, pressing Catra’s head against her chest to encourage her breathing. “Come on, breathe with me. You can do it.”   
  
“I can’t—I don’t know,” Catra grasps at her shirt, trying to hold on to her. “Adora, I don’t remember—”   
  
“That’s okay. That’s okay, _hey_ , listen.” She held Catra’s cheek, trying to meet her eyes. “It’s okay. I’ll help you. You just have to listen to me, okay?”    
  
Adora began counting to five, telling her to do the same. “Deep breaths, Catra. You’ve got this. Breathe with me.” She began running her hand along Catra’s shoulder blades soothingly. “You’re too tense. Try to relax, okay? I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay.”   
  
She didn’t mind it when Catra dug her fingers onto her, trying to use her as an anchor to reality. Catra kept gasping and clutching onto her as she struggled to calm down and breathe.    
  
“ _Shh_ ,” Adora whispers into her ear. “There you go. You’re breathing, see? You’re doing so well. Just a little bit more, Catra. It’ll be over soon, I promise.”   
  
It felt like forever, just sitting there in Adora’s arms, fighting to breathe. Tears kept streaming down her cheeks against her will—but then again, she doesn’t even have control of her body anymore. She hated that. She hated having these panic attacks, having air suddenly taken out of her lungs, having no control of her body, having no anchor to the world. But she couldn’t stop them, either.   
  
She tries to focus on Adora’s breathing instead.    
  
_One, two, three, four, five_. Her hand around her, her head against her chest. Her fingers grasping at her, trying to anchor herself. _Adora’s real. She’s here with me. I’m going to be okay._   
  
Catra didn’t exactly knew when it was over, but when she opened her eyes again, everything seemed to make more sense. She was home, laying on the floor, in the dark of the hallway. Her bag was also on the floor, its contents scattered everywhere. Adora was holding her—her head was on her lap, while Adora’s hand ran along her back consistently.    
  
She was still sobbing, occasionally. It was hard to stop it once it started. But she could breathe easier, now, and it no longer felt like she was drowning, like she was losing herself. Catra guesses that’s when she knows it was over.    
  
“Catra?” Adora spoke up quietly, stroking her cheek. “Are you there?”    
  
She nods for her. Her head hurts.    
  
“Okay. That’s good.” They stayed like that for a few more minutes until she spoke again, still in the same tone, as if she was afraid that she would scare her. “Do you want to get up? I’ll start the bath for us.”   
  
Catra nods again. She didn’t expect Adora to leave her so suddenly, though—when she did, her reflects kicked in. “No!” She exclaimed, her body shaking as she held on to Adora like her life depended on it. 

“Catra!” Adora exclaimed too, startled by her reaction. “Hey, _hey_ , it’s okay, I’m not going anywhere, see?” She kneeled down and held her again. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I scared you. I’m not going anywhere.” She stayed with her while Catra breathed to calm back down from the shock. “I’m just going to go over there to start the bath. I’m not leaving, okay? Can I go?”    
  
Catra wheezes but nods at that anyway, slowly letting her go. “Okay.”   
  
“Okay,” Adora nods, pressing a small kiss on her forehead. “I’ll be right back for you.”    
  
Catra watched as Adora walked over to the bathroom, leaving the door open so that she could see her. There was the sound of the tap water running, and she went quiet.    
  
“Adora?”    
  
“I’m here,” She shows up to the door with her shirt off. “Do you think you can come to me?”    
  
Catra tried to get up from the floor, but her legs were still shaking. Her whole body is. She still doesn’t have the full control of her body, even though it was over. She wasn’t about to tell Adora that, though, so she forced herself to stand up, only to trip back down.    
  
Fuck.    
  
“Catra?” Adora rushes over, lacing her arms around her waist. “Hey, it’s okay.” She gently lifter her up, careful not to let her fall. Catra felt like a baby, taking her first steps with Adora on her side. It’s like her muscles were gone—she was so fucking weak. She hated It.   
  
The bath was good, at least. It was warm and soothing and it made her feel something again. “Come here,” Adora says when she stepped inside the tub with her, gesturing her to come into her arms. Catra accepted it almost immediately. Her head was against her chest again, and it felt nice, just to listen to her heartbeat while Adora ran her hand along her messed-up hair.    
  
“I’m sorry.” Those words came out. She felt sorry all her life, really—sorry for what she did, sorry for ruining things. And in exchange, people made her feel sorry for existing. Catra doesn’t blame them, not anymore. And sometimes those words slipped out of her mouth, making her say it out loud. She needed to say it. Her friends deserved that sorry. _Adora_ deserved that sorry.    
  
It doesn’t look like she wanted it, though. “Catra,” She says softly. “None of that. You know you don’t have to be sorry for things that you can’t control.”   
  
“But I can,” Catra tells her. “I should be able to. I’m sorry I’m difficult.”   
  
“You’re not,” Adora says firmly. “You’re _not._ And even if you are, there’s no reason why you should feel sorry for it. I don’t care about it, okay?”    
  
“Adora...”    
  
She sighs. “Would you feel better? If I accepted your apology?”    
  
“Honestly?” Catra bit her lip. “Yeah.”    
  
“Fine.” Adora nods, bringing her closer into her arms. “Though if you ask me, I should be sorry too. The amount of times I made you listen to Taylor Swift...”    
  
Catra couldn’t help but laugh at that.    
  
Adora left the bath sooner than Catra did. When Catra came out of the bathroom, the hallways weren’t dark anymore. The lights irritated her a little bit, but she didn’t complain. Her bag and belongings weren’t on the floor anymore. Everything was back to normal again, it seems.    
  
God, she owes Adora so much.    
  
Adora was sitting on the couch when Catra came into the living room, waiting for her. She had a blanket with her to wrap Catra with, because she knew that Catra liked that. Adora always know everything about her. “Hey,” She smiles softly. “C’mere. Do you want the lights off?”    
  
“Yes, please,” Catra answers almost immediately. She watched Adora stand up and walk over to turn the light switch off, then come back and placed herself behind her.    
  
“You okay?” She mutters into her ear, her hands around her neck. Catra’s head on her chest, her hair all over her face.    
  
Catra smiles, turning over to curl closer to her. “Yeah. Thank you.”   
  
God, she owes Adora _so much._   
  
Adora doesn’t think like that at all, of course. Catra doesn’t have to ask her to know that. Adora had always loved her so much, it doesn’t make sense, even when she knew the reasons why. Adora told her those reasons over and over again, whenever she could—but even that still doesn’t quite explain to her _why_.    
  
“Shut up,” Adora says suddenly, startling her.    
  
“Huh? I didn’t—I didn’t say anything,” Catra frowns.   
  
“Your head,” Adora tells her, eyes still closed. “You’re thinking too loud. I can hear it.”    
  
She laughs quietly. “Fine, I’ll stop thinking.”   
  
How can a person love her so much? Catra never really understood any of that.    
  
But again, maybe she doesn’t have to. Maybe she just needs to accept the fact that Adora loved her so much, no matter what, and Catra loved her too.    
  
Yeah.   
  
Maybe it’s as easy as that.   



	2. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for this chapter: again, some really graphic writing of panic attacks (inspired by my own meltdown a few days ago :///) 
> 
> Ajkshfdb but anyway!! A little long rant but I have this rlly strong crave to write some domestic Catradora (with Finn!!). Idk if y'all would be into that though. It's also probably gonna be in a normal universe AU . My girlfriend (?? 😳👉👈) and I were talking last night and we kinda imagined our lives if we were together in the future?? and AAAAA i just. really need to get these thoughts out!! so yeah say sumn if you guys want to read my more of my bullshit asjkdhfdb

  
“Catra, are you coming? Hurry up!” Adora knocks on the bathroom door. “We’re gonna be late to Mystacor!”   
  
“I am, okay? Calm down, it’s not like we’re gonna be beat up if we’re late or anything.” Catra chuckles, shaking her head, only to realize that Adora wasn’t laughing at her joke.   
  
“Oh. I’m sorry.” She says, walking over to Adora, who’s on the door. “Too soon?”   
  
Adora shook her head. “No, I’m fine. I’m just... it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”   
  
“Adora...”   
  
“It’s fine, really, I was just a little bit surprised,” She smiles again. “I'm okay, I promise.” She reaches to comb over Catra’s wild hair instead. “Will you brush your hair for once?”   
  
“Mm,” Catra considers for a while before smirking, “no.”   
  
Adora chuckles, pressing a small kiss on her forehead. “I’ll be waiting in the front gate. Be downstairs in five minutes or we’re leaving without you.”   
  
“Aww, nooooo,” Catra says, watching her leave from their shared bathroom. “Hey, don’t forget to bring Melog’s leash! You know she gets pretty crazy around Mystacor magic.”   
  
“I will!”   
  
Catra turns back to her mirror, trying to fix her button up shirt. She looks just fine—at least, that what she thinks. She was new to the whole dressing up thing, and she didn’t really know who to ask about it. Bow and Adora? They'd tell her that she looks pretty no matter what. And Glimmer, she’d say the complete opposite just to piss her off.   
  
Well. Maybe she could start by actually brushing her hair and looking neat for once in her life. Yeah. That sounds like a good start.   
  
She took Adora’s hairbrush from the counter, trying to smooth out her short hair. She didn’t know how to actually brush her hair, either—should she start from the top, or from the bottom? Adora would be a good person to ask about this. She always brushed her hair regularly as if she’d die if she didn’t.   
  
Ah, well. Anything will do now. As long as she looked nice enough, she doesn’t really care. Catra began humming along to some song that’s been stuck in her head for a while now—Brightmoon were always full of colors and chatters and sparkly decorations everywhere, with music always playing in every corner of the city. It was all so new to her, but she liked it. It was a nice change—   
  
She looked up at the mirror, and froze.   
  
Her hair was slicked back as she held them in place. She gripped the hairbrush on the other hand, frowning.   
  
Her eyes, they were glowing green.   
  
_What the fuck?_   
  
No. _No_ fucking way.   
  
He’s gone. Horde Prime, The Horde—He’s gone, all of it. His bots, his ships, his empire—it's all gone. Adora defeated him, right? They all did. _Right?_   
  
Unless—unless they didn’t.   
  
Unless it’s all in her head, all of it—everything being okay, the war being over, Adora coming back to save her—it's all just a huge, messed up dream. Unless it was all illusion, her mind playing tricks on her, because she was so desperate for Adora to come back for her. Unless it’s all just a dream.   
  
There was a deep, sharp pain in her chest, as if someone had just punched her. She couldn’t breathe. It was as if someone vacuumed the air from her lungs, as if she was trapped underwater. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t breathe—   
  
Catra dropped the hairbrush, causing a loud thump echoing around her. She looked down, and there it was, the pool of green, glowing fluid, filling the sink, the bathtub. She was drowning, isn’t she? She’s drowning. She’s being drowned. And soon it’s going to take over her again, that chip in the back of her neck—making her lose her mind, her memory, and she’ll have no control over herself again. 

“Fuck!” She screams, reaching and clawing on the back of her neck. She couldn’t feel it, it wasn’t there—she needs it off. She needs it off so she can think again, she needs to get off this ship, she needs to run away, she wants to live. She didn’t want to die. She was scared. “Fuck, fuck, get off me, get out of my fucking head! Adora! _Adora!_ _Adora HELP ME!_ ”   
  
_Adora?_ A voice in her mind asks, cold and firm, filling her head like a dark mist. _Adora, the girl you’ve hurt countless times? The girl you tortured and abused? She’s not going to help you now._   
  
Catra hated how true that was. But he’s right—she's never going to come for her, is she? No. Saving Glimmer would be the only one good thing Catra ever did in her life, and Adora will be glad that she left her to die. Because Catra deserves it. She deserves it, she deserves it—   
  
“ADORA!” Catra screams again anyway, because the image of her was the only think that kept her from drowning right now. Her blonde hair, her blue eyes, her smile, the way that she laughs and talks hugs her— “ _ADORA! HELP ME! PLEASE!_ I'M SORRY I’M SORRY I’m sorry I’m so—” She lost her breath. She feels like she was going to pass out. Her surroundings were getting darker, and her head was spinning—but she needs to—she needs to get it off. She needs to get that chip off—why isn’t it _there?_ — “ADORA!”   
  
“Catra!” There was a sound of someone appearing beside her. “Catra, are you—what—?”   
  
“NO!” She yells, yanking a hand away as they tried to grab her. “NO, STOP IT, GO AWAY!”   
  
“Catra it’s me, Glimmer! Catra it’s okay, it’s okay—”   
  
Hurried footsteps were coming towards her, harsh and loud, and then suddenly the door slammed open, making her jump from her place. Catra held a hand over her head, trying to shield herself from whatever’s coming next as the other kept clawing at the back of her neck, trying to get that damned chip off.   
  
“Catra, what—fuck, give her to me, it’s okay,” Someone fell on their knees, then another hand, grabbing at her wrist. “Catra, stop doing that, it’s me! It’s me, Adora, see?”   
  
“NO! No, no, no, get out of my head, get out of my h—”   
  
“CATRA!”   
  
“LET ME GO! STOP IT!”   
  
“You need to stop hurting yourself! Catra!” The hand grips tight on her wrists, preventing her from moving. “Catra, listen to me! You need to—”   
  
“No, no, let go, _let g_ —”   
  
“You have to promise me you won’t hurt yourself again. Catra, promise me. I’ll let you go if you promise me.” The voice says, firm and clear. Catra stopped trashing around and stayed still, breathing hard. She’s gone too far. She’s gone too far.   
  
“Please,” She breathes, almost whispering. “Please, just let me go. Please.”   
  
Catra felt the grip on her wrists loosen, and she took that moment to dig her claws into the arm of her captor.   
  
They screamed. “CATRA!” A pair of arms wrapped around her shoulders, trying to make her stop, and she starts kicking and hitting again. “GLIMMER, NO! She doesn’t mean it, she doesn’t know! She’s just really confused and scared, Glimmer let her go—”   
  
“STOP IT!” Catra screams. “Stop it, go away, let me go—”   
  
“Catra, hey, listen—It's me, okay? It’s Adora. Can you see me? Look at me. It’s Adora. It’s me.”   
  
“No, it’s not! Stop it! Stop—stop using her, please, just get out of my head—haven't you done enough?” She wails, her claws retracting back. She felt herself weakening, falling back to the wall, her breaths short and ragged. “I told you she’s not coming back for me! What else do you want? Just let me go, please—”   
  
“Shh. Hey, hey, it’s me. It’s really me, Catra.” Catra felt herself being pulled into a hug. She was too tired to fight back anymore, so she let herself fall into whoever it is—Horde Prime? One of his clones? She doesn’t know. “Catra. Look at me. Open your eyes. It’s Adora. I’m here.”   
  
“No,” She shook her head. “No, no, no, no, no, stop, _please_ —”   
  
“Bow,” Another voice exclaims. “Bow, help her. We—she won’t snap out of it.”   
  
“Okay, okay, um—Gimmer, let go, you’ll scare her even more. Can you help her sit up?”   
  
Catra heard the sound of water running, and she felt herself being lifted up. The next thing she felt was a cool washcloth pressed on her forehead, and her lungs suddenly opened again. She took big, deep breaths, sucking air into her lungs, and her surroundings seem to make more sense with every breath she took.   
  
“Breathe,” Bow’s voice says, low and soothing. “It’s okay, Catra. You’re here. You’re safe. You’re going to be okay.”   
  
There’s a deep ache on her stomach, just below her chest. She tried to make it go away by breathing more air into her lungs, but it doesn’t—it makes her feel like she’s going to throw up. “Move away,” She groans, pushing whoever it is that’s standing around her before retching her insides into the tub.   
  
“Oh, god, Catra,” Adora sighs softly. She felt her hands gathering her hair, rubbing her back gently. “Let it out, it’s okay.”   
  
She kept seeing image of those green, glowing substance in her mind. It made her remember how it felt when she was drowning in it, choking her, suffocating her—   
  
“Catra, breathe,” Adora says, kissing her forehead softly. “Baby, you’re empty. Breathe with me, okay?”   
  
“Fuck,” She shook her head, swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry.”   
  
“No, no no, don’t be—deep breaths, okay?”   
  
“I’m trying.” Catra shook her head. “I’m trying.”   
  
“I know.” Adora pulls her closer, propping her against her chest, wiping her mouth with the washcloth gently. “That’s all I need, baby. Keep breathing. You’re gonna be okay.”   
  
Catra closed her eyes. Her head was spinning, and somehow breathing always became a tiring task in times like these. She heard the shower turning on, washing out her vomit from the bath tub.   
  
“Drink,” Glimmer’s voice says, pressing a cold glass to her lips. Catra obeyed, not realizing how thirsty she was until the cold water ran down her throat. “Slow sips, okay? You might throw up again.”   
  
“ _Sleep_ ,” She whispers to Adora, squeezing the tears out of her eyes. She was unbelievably tired, her energy drained from the screaming and crying. “I’m tired.”   
  
“Yeah, of course. Let’s get you to bed, okay?” Adora agrees, wrapping her arms around her carefully and carried her to bed.   
  
The second her head hits the cool, comforting pillow, she passed out.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
When Catra woke up again, Adora was beside her, lying on her side, her blue eyes staring at her.   
  
“Hey,” She spoke softly when she realized that Catra had woken up. “Are you okay? How’re you feeling?”   
  
“I’m...” How _is_ she feeling? Catra doesn’t know how to describe it. “Okay. Tired.”   
  
She flinched a little when Adora reached out to touch her, but she lets her gently card her fingers through her hair.   
  
“Shit. Oh, shit—” Catra suddenly realized, sitting up. “Adora, we—”   
  
“Catra?” Adora asks, sitting up with her. “Catra, what’s wrong?”   
  
“The picnic! The fucking picnic, Adora, we were supposed to be in Mystacor today! Fuck!”   
  
“Oh. _Oh_ , Catra, it’s okay—”   
  
“No! It’s not okay! I have to fucking stop ruining things—”   
  
“Catra. Catra, calm down.” Adora says, firmly, cupping her cheeks. “Catra. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re okay.”   
  
“Fuck. Fuck, Adora, I can’t keep doing this—I can’t keep ruining things for other people just because I can’t stop fucking hallucinating—”   
  
“Catra. You can’t help it, okay? Stop being sorry for things that you can’t control.”   
  
“But I should be able to! I’m fucking crazy, Adora—”   
  
“—No, you’re not. Stop it.”   
  
“You should’ve gone without me.”   
  
“You know that I won’t go anywhere without you, Catra.”   
  
Catra breathes, wiping her tears away from her face angrily. “How about Glimmer and Bow?”   
  
“You know that they won’t go without you either.” Adora held her hands firmly. “Catra, I love you. We all love you. All you need to do is to accept it.”   
  
“I—” She shook her head. “Adora, I can’t—I have to stop doing this. I’m sorry. Fuck—I hurt you, didn’t I? Adora—”   
  
“Catra. Stop. It’s nothing, okay? I’m She-ra, I can handle a little scratch.”   
  
“Fuck,” Catra pressed her hands into her face in frustration. “I’m sorry.”   
  
“No. None of that. Come here.” Adora sighs, sitting up against the wall, pulling Catra into her lap. “I’m sorry this keeps happening, baby.”   
  
Catra sighs, letting her tears fall silently into Adora’s lap. “I’m sorry too. Just let me be sorry, Adora. I’m sorry.”   
  
She felt Adora softly tracing the scar in the back of her neck. “It’s just—this is getting really violent, Catra. I’m worried.” Adora says, stroking her hair. “Will you promise me you’ll see Perfuma again?”   
  
Catra sighs, taking a deep breath before nodding at her. “Okay.”   
  
“Thank you.” She pressed a gentle kiss into her forehead. “I know you’re trying, Catra. I really do. Thank you for that.” She wraps her arms around her, hugging her while she rocks her back and forth. “I love you.”   
  
“I love you too.”   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also uhh i probably have to address the drama and the stuff that's been going on in the fandom. And as a black-asian hijabi i just. Damn y'all i don't actually feel like it's racist??? Of course a lot of people have different opinions but i mean!! why do people automatically associate black farmers = slaves?? I just. Hmmn i'm just really sad that the fandom is suddenly falling apart so suddenly because of a few misunderstanding. I mean she-ra is almost literally my whole life :'// and i really believe that Noelle is a good person. She really is. I'm just really sad about it ;/


	3. Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't ship glitra romantically, but um,,,,, y'all can have these as a treat ;-)

Catra woke up in cold sweat, like she always did.   
  
Her surroundings were pitch black. She was enclosed in a small room, the cold chills hitting her exposed skin as she shivered all the way from head to toe. Catra still had the sound of young Adora’s sweet laugh from her dreams filling her mind. The image of her blue eyes, and her hair, always pulled up in a damn ponytail—she still remember it all.   
  
_Fuck, fuck, fuck. Stop that, Catra. Stop that. Please stop that._

The truth is, Catra misses her. She wanted to see her again. She wanted to be friends with her again—fuck this, fuck all of this. The war, power, revenge—she doesn’t want any of it anymore. She wanted to sleep in Adora’s arms again, her only safe place in the whole fucking universe. She wanted to hear her say “I promise” again. She wants her back.  
  
She needs to leave. She needs to get out of here.  
  
Without thinking twice, Catra swipes the thin sheets over in a quick motion and jumps off the bed, bolting for the door. She feels the panic creeping up on her, along with the freezing air giving her chills all over her body harder than before. _Fuck, how do you open this door?_ Catra didn’t want to cause a commotion and alert the other clones, but she couldn’t do this silently. She started banging on the door as the panic spreads to her chest, squeezing air out of her lungs. _How do you fucking get out of—  
  
_ Catra didn’t know what she did, but suddenly her hand pressed on a cold, metal plate, and the door began to open slowly with a soft _whoosh._ She wasted no time running down the monotone hallway of the ship as fast as her legs would take her, trying to find a way out. What was she going to do, anyway? She had no plan, no idea of how to get back to Etheria—she didn’t even know how to ride a space ship. Or if there was any space ship at all.   
  
But she’d rather die than be tortured here forever. She’d rather die than be in a small, enclosed prison with the memory of Adora haunting her with every second she passes.   
  
Catra shook her head. _She’d rather die. She’d rather die. She’d rather die._   
  
When she finally found a big, metal door with a window looking out to space, she stopped in her tracks.   
  
_Fuck. How—what now? What now, genius? You’re just going to bust out the door and jump out? You’re just gonna suffocate to death? Is that what your plan is, Catra? Fucking pathetic._  
  
Catra slumps into the cold, hard floor, not realizing how tired she is, or how far she had ran. She was only wearing her sleep clothes—most of her skin were exposed to the cold, biting air of space. The fact that everything was metal didn’t help either—she could see her faint reflection in the floor, in the walls of the ship, in everything. It was so sickening. She was going to throw up.   
  
_She’d rather die than be like this forever.  
_  
Catra stood up shakily and started banging on the door, trying to break it in every way possible with the small strength she had left. She was aware of how loud she is, and any second now, the clones are going to find her and force her back into that small metal prison room of hers. And then later, Horde Prime is going to hear about this, and he’d say that he was disappointed, and she’ll be suffocating in that green, glowing liquid pool all over again—  
  
_Please just open. Please just open and let me out, let me die, please, please, please—  
  
_ “Catra, what the fuck are you—Catra!” A pair of arms slid around her waist, trying to pull her away from the door. “Catra!”  
  
“No!” She yells, scratching, trying to break free from the grip. “STOP! LET ME GO—“  
  
“Catra you’re fucking craz—what are you doing? Catra stop, what are you trying to d—“  
  
“JUST LET ME DIE, OKAY? I TOLD YOU SHE’S NOT FUCKING COMING BACK FOR ME, I’M USELESS TO YOU, WHAT ELSE WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME—“  
  
“CATRA!” The voice exclaims, and a hand were pressed on her mouth to stop her from yelling her throat out. To her surprise, the hand wasn’t the same, cold metal grip like the hands of those Horde clones. It was warm, and soft—it was _flesh_.   
  
“Catra look. _Look._ It’s me. It’s me, Glimmer, okay? I need you to calm down.” The voice says again, firm and commanding. “What’re you trying to do, Catra? What do you want?”   
  
“I—“ Catra breathed. “Glimmer? Glimm—“  
  
“It’s me,” She assures, her hands clutching her wrists still. “Catra, what’s wrong?”   
  
“You’re—you’re not real. You’re—you were gone. I sent you. You left with Adora and you’re going back to Etheria now—you’re not real!” Catra shook her head, pulling her arms away from her. “You’re not real, you’re not real, you’re not re—“  
  
“Catra!” Fake Glimmer exclaims, struggling to keep her still. “Catra, I’m real, I’m not—you’re. Oh, fuck. Catra listen. Listen to me.”  
  
“No!”  
  
“Listen to me! You’re not there anymore. Catra, you’re not in that ship anymore, you’re here, with me and Adora and Bow and Entrapta—I promise, okay? We came back for you. We’ve got you. You’re safe.”   
  
“No. No, she wouldn’t—stop. Stop it. Stop.” Catra shook, burying her head in her arms. “You guys wouldn’t come back for me. They wouldn’t.”  
  
“Well, tough luck, Horde scum, we did.” Glimmer tries to huff off a laugh. “And we didn’t regret a single shit about it.”   
  
“No. Stop. _Stop._ ”   
  
“ _Catra_. Catra, you saved me. And we saved you, and we’re okay now, okay? We’re going home.” Glimmer says softly, turning their direction to face the ship’s window. “Look. We’re moving. Look at the stars, Catra. See that? In Horde’s ship, they wouldn’t move, because the ship stays. But in here, they are. That’s because we’re moving.”  
  
“Where?”   
  
“Etheria.” Glimmer smiles. “Home.”   
  
“Adora.” Catra says. “Where—where is she?”   
  
“She’s… in here too, somewhere. Do you want me to get her?” Glimmer stood up, but Catra instantly exclaims “No!” and pulled her back down   
  
“Hey, hey it’s okay—I’m not going anywhere, I was just going to—“  
  
“Stay,” Catra shivers, her voice cracking. “Please. Please stay.”   
  
“Okay.” Glimmer sat back down, pulling her trembling body closer to hers. “Okay, it’s okay—god, you must be freezing.”   
  
“I am,” She nods slightly.   
  
“Bow tried to cover you with some heavier blankets a couple of times, you know?” Glimmer told her. “He tried to sneak in whenever you’re asleep. But you were always so… alerted. You never let him get closer to you.”   
  
“I was scared,” Catra whispers. “I didn’t—I didn’t know who he was. I’m sorry.”   
  
“No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Glimmer says, wrapping her arms tighter around her. “It’s just… we don’t know how to help you, Catra. We don’t know how to stop those nightmares and panic attacks and hallucinations—I have them too. Just not as bad as yours. And they’re less frequent, now—I don’t know how I did it, though.”   
  
“I don’t think they’ll ever go away.” Catra murmurs. “I think they’ll just… stay in our brains forever, permanently. Like a tattoo we never asked for.”  
  
“You know how I overcame them, every time they happen?” Glimmer asks.   
  
“How?”   
  
“I remember that you saved me.” She answers. “Always. Every time they happen, I just keep chanting in my mind, _‘Catra saved me, Catra saved me, Catra saved me.’_ And then I remembered that I was safe. That I was going home.”   
  
“Hmm.” Catra hums, looking out the window. Watching the small moving dots amongst the darkness of space calms her down. “It’s still not going to erase all the terrible things I did to you. To everyone.”  
  
“It won’t,” Glimmer agrees. “But you still saved me. You sacrificed yourself to save me. You went through all that shit, for me. So that I can go home. That’s definitely something, Catra.”   
  
“Maybe.” She shrugs. “At least I did one good thing in my life.”  
  
Silence.   
  
“Do you think that I can be good, Glimm?”   
  
“You?” Glimmer huffed out a laugh. “Come on, Catra. No bad person would ever ask that question.”   
  
“Huh. Yeah.” Catra shrugs. “That’s cool, I guess.”   
  
“Do you ever wonder how many stars are out there?” She asks. “You know, if you hadn’t opened that portal, we wouldn’t be where we are now.”   
  
“Where, in a spaceship going home after escaping from an evil tyrant with trauma implanted in our heads?” Catra couldn’t help but laugh at that.   
  
“No. We wouldn’t be right here, watching the stars.”  
  
“No.” Catra stood up suddenly, moving away from Glimmer’s touch. “Opening that portal costs your mother’s life, Glimm.”   
  
“Catra—“  
  
“No. Stop.” Catra’s voice were shaking. “I murdered your mom. I opened that portal and I murdered your mom.”   
  
“Catra. No. Sit down.” Glimmer tugs her hand. “Sooner or later, we had to get out of Despondos anyway. You might opened the portal out of spite, but—“  
  
“—I murdered your mom, Glimmer, how is that fucking right in any way?” Catra yells.   
  
“I’m not saying that it’s right, Catra.” She says softly. “It wasn’t. But it’s no use, beating up yourself for something that had happened.”  
  
Catra stares at her.   
  
“Sit down, Catra.” Glimmer pulls her down, and Catra melts into her arm. She could feel Catra’s tears on her arm, running down her cheeks. She wipes them away.   
  
“You know, when I was small, I used to ask my mom about why there weren’t any stars in the sky, like in the books.” She tells her.   
  
Catra stays still, listening.   
  
“Then my mom told me a story about how years ago, someone evil stole all the stars away. And she promises that one day, she’s going to defeat that evil person and bring the stars back to me, so I that I can see them. And I think… I think, when she faced the decision to sacrifice herself, she remembered that story. And then she made that sacrifice for me. For all of us.” Glimmer sighs. “I miss her, Catra. I really do. But I also know that she’ll be happy to know that I’m here, sitting with you, watching the stars.”   
  
“Still,” Catra mutters into her arms. “I’m sorry, Glimm.”  
  
“I know,” She shook her head, smiling. “You can be sorry all you want, if that makes you feel better. But for now, let’s just sit here and watch the stars, okay?”   
  
“Okay.”   
  
They stared outside the window in silence for a little while before Catra broke the silence again. “Are we—are we friends, Glimmer?” She couldn’t help but ask.   
  
“I mean, for someone who went through all that shit together, yeah. Of course we are.” Glimmer says. “Aren’t we?”

“Yeah, I guess we are.” Catra nods. “Friends.”   
  
She could get used to that.   
  
More silence. The only sound there is was the sound of the ship’s engine humming as the ship moves through the darkness of space, leading them home.   
  
_Home_. They’re going home.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also!! thank you for the people who've reached out to me. Wow y'all idk what i'm doing but??? they seem to be really helping y'all??? so that's cool i guess yay ;) more coming soon i swear i just need time . stay tuned :-}

**Author's Note:**

> ALSO this one is very heavily inspired by a tumblr post by HGK477 : 
> 
> https://hgk477.tumblr.com/post/187116908574/how-to-keep-living 
> 
> A very good post. Made me cry 👍
> 
> I'm gonna be back for more. When? No idea :)


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